I will never be helpless again



Lately, I noticed my post has been full of emotions, sadness and emptiness. It's just like that I feel alone and no one wants to listen to all I ever wanted. In short, I become helpless. I started to think and realize that broken heart is not what I wanted from this, but I guess I've learned from it.

Above is what I have decided. So I have quite a few problems and I am trying to work through all of them. But there were some people in my life up until quite recently that I thought were helping me. Until I realized that they were actually hindering me from getting better. Not like I'm proud of how I got my point across to these people, but it had to be done.

Have you ever had that happen? Where you just can't stand people speaking of the past over and over again and bringing so many things back up? Well that's what was happening. I just need to let go of my past and move on. I can't keep living in it. It isn't coming back. Fuck the people that aren't currently in my life. There is a reason that they diddn't make it into my life now. Not saying that if they want to come back into it they can't...but until that happens I'm not going to waste my time with these people.

"Sometimes, you gotta teach yourself how to get up from a hard fall, cause if you call for someone's help they just might push you back down."

Well I love how days can start off being the best ever and then they just turn out horrible. I think that it is just a law of nature. As soon as something actually starts going good in your life and you are starting to be happy for the first time in a long time. Someone or something always has to come around and ruin it. I can't really blame the person that is responsible of why my life is fucked off. I never blame anyone for anything bad happens to my life either. Sometimes, you need those people to make your life colorful, meaningful, and exciting hahah! I guess? Once people get started to ruin your life, they envy yours. So they try to ruin it atleast once in your life you had your life fucked off by someone who you never really care about so why waste your time with this person right? Been having one of those times where I can't stop thinking about things that happened. Yeah I know, "stop worrying about the people in your past theres a reason they didn't make it to your future". But what happens when you have this feeling that they should still be here. And this feeling isn't just in your heart but in your gut. You can feel that you still need them, that they should still be in your life somehow.

Some people say that being alone is a time where they can think without all of the talking and the nonsense that occur in their everyday life. Others say its a time where they can catch up on things that they never had the time to do. And some like it because it allows them the chance to think. I thought that I was one of the people in that last category that I just mentioned. Oh how wrong I really was. As it turns out, being alone is probably the worst place for me to be at this time in my life. Allowing someone like me the time to reflect upon what has happened and things that they have done is probably one of the worst ideas that anyone could ever have.

Now realizing this, I don't really talk to people when I am around them. Or open up. Not liking to focus on myself because I don't care about myself. Thinking about it now, I am begining to realize that maybe I just like that feeling. That secure feeling that there is someone else in the same room or general vacinity that can understand you in atleast one way, shape, or form. Someone that won't judge you if you are talking a lot, or even if you dont utter one word at all. They know who you are and can understand that you are diffrent and things aren't the same with you. That you may be a little more fragile, or a little too insecure, or that you may just be scared, scared to death that someone is going to come around again and tear your whole world to shreds. And that at the moment is what I need.
Of course I realized it too late though. Those people are away at camp, or leading new lives with people who quite frankly don't like me for some reason, or they are even in a diffrent state. But I still need them. But unfortunatly the next time that one of them asks what is wrong this will be the time that I remember. The time that they weren't here, at the time when I needed them the most. And that is something that I hate about myself... I only seem to really rememeber the times that someone wasn't there, not all of the times that they were.

"I'm on the verge of of breaking down. The strength I have to hold myself together is slowly fading away. I just need somebody, somebody to lean on. I feel so alone and I hate it. Save me, please"